Whirlwind

I am in the midst of an emotional tornado.

I have been so worried about my husband finding his way and his place in the gay community for months.

I have been wishing and hoping he would meet people he could at least hang out with that are gay, even hoping he could find someone to date.

A week ago, he met that someone. The whole family met him at a small get-together, and I liked him right away and was thrilled that they hit it off. However, it's been moving as fast as a freight train and threatening to run me over. I really feel like I've been hit by a high-speed locomotive.

They've spent every night together except one. It's weird and painful for me, even though I'm filled with joy at husband's happiness.

When he came out 10 months ago, I went through a painful, sorrow-filled couple of months trying to accept the truth and let go of him and my feelings for him. I thought I did that pretty successfully. I've majorly held back in other relationships out of respect since he was having such a struggle. I knew he needed me to be there for him, and I was more than happy to be.

Now, very, very suddenly, he doesn't need me anymore, and I feel lost. Suddenly, He's no longer sleeping next to me every night. In fact, I've gone every night for a week except one, suddenly sleeping alone, knowing that husband and his lover are in a bed somewhere else. I see them together acting like new lovers do, cuddling, holding hands, kissing, and I think, "I used to do that with him." And worse, seeing the way they look at each other knowingly, and I think, "He's never seen me in that way."

We do have a special bond. I am very thankful for that. I can talk to him about all this stuff. We are literally best friends. But I am also completely in love with him, and I have to let him go all over again, even though I thought I already had. So it feels like not only have I been hit by a freight train, but it's rapidly pushing me backwards.

Despite these feelings, which are completely selfish whether they are natural or okay or not, I'm truly excited for him, happy that he's finally, finally happy, thrilled that the guy is awesome, and I don't want to get in the way. I want him to enjoy this. I really have been wanting this for him as much as he has, and I never expected these emotions within me.

I've known for 10 months now that he can't love me like I love him, and although he never has, we do share a different kind of love that I can't describe. It's different from familial love, or friendship love, or, of course, lover's love.

I'm realizing that my heart is shattered into a million pieces, and I thought I was doing a good job of mending it. It turns out I never even tried to; I just swept it under the rug.

Note: I wrote this two weeks ago with the intention of publishing, but haven't. It's completely insane how different things are now, two weeks later, and I'll blog about that soon, too. I wanted to publish it for posterity.