Whirlwind

I am in the midst of an emotional tornado.

I have been so worried about my husband finding his way and his place in the gay community for months.

I have been wishing and hoping he would meet people he could at least hang out with that are gay, even hoping he could find someone to date.

A week ago, he met that someone. The whole family met him at a small get-together, and I liked him right away and was thrilled that they hit it off. However, it's been moving as fast as a freight train and threatening to run me over. I really feel like I've been hit by a high-speed locomotive.

They've spent every night together except one. It's weird and painful for me, even though I'm filled with joy at husband's happiness.

When he came out 10 months ago, I went through a painful, sorrow-filled couple of months trying to accept the truth and let go of him and my feelings for him. I thought I did that pretty successfully. I've majorly held back in other relationships out of respect since he was having such a struggle. I knew he needed me to be there for him, and I was more than happy to be.

Now, very, very suddenly, he doesn't need me anymore, and I feel lost. Suddenly, He's no longer sleeping next to me every night. In fact, I've gone every night for a week except one, suddenly sleeping alone, knowing that husband and his lover are in a bed somewhere else. I see them together acting like new lovers do, cuddling, holding hands, kissing, and I think, "I used to do that with him." And worse, seeing the way they look at each other knowingly, and I think, "He's never seen me in that way."

We do have a special bond. I am very thankful for that. I can talk to him about all this stuff. We are literally best friends. But I am also completely in love with him, and I have to let him go all over again, even though I thought I already had. So it feels like not only have I been hit by a freight train, but it's rapidly pushing me backwards.

Despite these feelings, which are completely selfish whether they are natural or okay or not, I'm truly excited for him, happy that he's finally, finally happy, thrilled that the guy is awesome, and I don't want to get in the way. I want him to enjoy this. I really have been wanting this for him as much as he has, and I never expected these emotions within me.

I've known for 10 months now that he can't love me like I love him, and although he never has, we do share a different kind of love that I can't describe. It's different from familial love, or friendship love, or, of course, lover's love.

I'm realizing that my heart is shattered into a million pieces, and I thought I was doing a good job of mending it. It turns out I never even tried to; I just swept it under the rug.

Note: I wrote this two weeks ago with the intention of publishing, but haven't. It's completely insane how different things are now, two weeks later, and I'll blog about that soon, too. I wanted to publish it for posterity.

Stuff about me meme

Samuel posted this meme, and I'm doing it. I also will not tag anyone, but feel free to fill it out.


What was I doing ten years ago:
I had been married for about a month and was 5 months pregnant. I had probably just gotten or was about to get a job at Walgreens.

Five snacks I enjoy:
-Popcorn, buttered and salted (though soon I am going to try bacon popcorn)
-Chips of all kinds, including Nachos. Doritos and Kettle chips are particular favorites
-Miniature grilled cheese with brie, turkey, and demi-glace on Texas toast
-Hot wings, the hotter the better
-Ramen noodles, with or without some sauteed veggies and/or leftover meat (Franklin makes the best)

In the real world I am:
trying to organize my house, working a lot, and drinking too much. Being driven crazy by the Boy's whining and Big Brother's bad attitude

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
I left the same answers as Samuel.
-Travel
-Help out some family and friends
-I want a loft downtown and a house just north of downtown, assuming after all the traveling we haven't decided to move elsewhere
-Open a restaurant
-After setting up my children to be as financially independent as they want at a certain age I'd start finding good ways to get rid of the excess. No one needs that much money.

Five jobs that I've had-
-Cook, that's what I do, line, grill, prep. I love it when there's quality involved
-Sushi chef, I loved making sushi, it just wasn't the right place for me
-Stripper, yep for about 6 months when I was 19
-Server
-Deli worker, I never got tired of eating sandwiches


Three of my habits:
-Smoking, it's a bad habit, but I do love to smoke
-Wasting time on the computer, like now, when I should be doing other things, like showering
-Staying up too late, every night

Five places I have lived:
-Knoxville, TN, I love it. I grew up here.
-Charlotte, NC, I met my husband and graduated high school there
-Rock Hill, SC, I moved in with my future husband after I graduated into a house that used to be a shack, with two other people. We shared a driveway with a lesbian oyster bar.
-Fort Wayne, IN, for three months in 10th grade. It was the only time I was ever popular in school
-Stockbridge, GA, then future husband and I and a friend moved in with husband's best friend and his mom and sister.

What do you want others to get from your blog:
I don't know. I just blog like it's a journal that other people can read if they want.

Food Porn Meme

Samuel tagged me for this Food Porn Meme. He got it from Rosie.

1. What food do you consider the best “date” food? In other words, what meal or food item do you think is sexiest to eat in the company of someone you would like to look sexy around?

I've never really been on a date, except dinner with Pop, and I don't really cross the lines of food and sex. I love both for what they are too much. However, if I did think of being sexy while eating, I would choose sushi, because you have to open your mouth really wide, and using chopsticks is kind of sexy. Oh, and lollypops of course.

2. What well-known person would you like to share a meal with—with or without clothing. (saying whether or not clothes are involved is optional).
Anthony Bourdain, Thomas Keller, Michael Symon, Michael Rhulman, and it would be like a bad dream to be unclothed while dining with any of these guys.


3. What does your perfect breakfast-in-bed look like? (Food AND the details, please. Candles? Music? Flowers? Hot tub? Dancing girls?
I wouldn't want to eat in my bed. But my perfect breakfast would be any combination of all the breakfast foods you can think of paired with spicy and complex bloody marys.

4. What do you consider the best application of whipped cream to be?
Definitely pie, specifically pumpkin pie.


5. Oh-God-No, Biff, the yacht is sinking! You are sent to the galley to retrieve the food. What luxury food items do you snatch first? The champagne? The caviar? Smoked Salmon? Truffles? Chocolate? Or something else?
Well, I have to go with Samuel's answer, I'm grabbing the least perishables and a can opener, and all the alcohol on board.

I don't really read too many blogs (lack of time), so I'm tagging whoever happens upon this.

Love

A drunken whirlwind of a weekend with a girl I wouldn't let myself fall for, but would have if she hadn't moved hundreds of miles away today.

A drunken and depressed love of my life but gay husband who went to bed without saying much.

Sometimes it feels good to cry alone, but it makes you feel more alone.

And sometimes, you wish you'd never experienced love.

Lunch

It started with lemons.

No, I didn't make lemonade, I made hummus, which I whipped up today as part of the boys' lunch. I toasted some pita bread and grabbed some random things out of the fridge to make a sort of crudite plate; sliced leftover D'anjou pear, shredded sharp white cheddar, sliced carrots and avocado, chunks of tomato, green olives, and the last slice of deli bologna, cubed.

The hummus turned out good; nothing special, just a really good hummus. While I was putting together lunch plates, I started thinking about a salad because I had the sliced carrots, the cheddar, and the tomato out. I figured I would save a little of the bologna to add to it ( which Pop thought was disgusting), throw on some ranch and have a big, ranchy salad. I put the things I was not using away, including a half a lemon I had left. As I walked away from the fridge, vinaigrette popped into my head. Lemon-fennel vinaigrette. I washed the lettuce, and some arugula I had bought because I had never tried it (spicy, musky, and exciting!) but didn't have plans for. I whipped up the vinaigrette: lemon juice, freshly ground black pepper, mashed dried fennel seeds, olive oil. It was overly tangy. I added a bit more olive oil. Still on the tangy side. I decided to let it sit for a bit as I assembled the salad: arugula, red leaf lettuce, sliced sweet onions, carrots, avocado.....I looked over and saw the pear. Normally, I'm wary about using fruit in salads, but I felt like I should use the pear. I tasted the vinaigrette again and was pleased to find the flavors had blended a little more. I drizzled it over the salad and finished it off with a sprinkling of freshly grated Parmesan cheese. Voila! Avocado and Pear Salad with Arugula and Lemon-Fennel Vinaigrette.



I was right about the pear. The subtle sweetness and muskiness balanced out the tangy vinaigrette. The arugula and provided a spicy finish and the avocado lent a nice creamy texture. The carrots gave the salad a needed crunch, and the fennel and onions brought everything together. It was complex and delicious, though I don't think Pop was as excited about it as I was.

Wandering

I feel so lost. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or not do.

I get down about someone to love. I thought I had the "one" who was right for me. I thought that for thirteen years. I am scared to death. I honestly don't want to try to find someone else. I really don't want anyone else. I distract myself pretty easily, because I still have my husband as my closest companion, I have a lot of close friends who I love, and I have a lot of interests. I am passionate about life.

But I can't help but long for someone to hold, to kiss. I miss that. Of course I really want it to be my husband, but, of course, I know that's not possible. When you have readily available affection for that long, it''s hard to not think about.

My mindset of late is that I don't feel I will ever have another "relationship". I just don't see the point. I can no longer imagine that there's a "one" out there for anyone. You have to take what you get. I get a gay man. He'll be looking for his "one". I'm not it. But I consider him mine. What am I supposed to do with that?

Transition

I keep feeling the tug of the pen, the keyboard, the written word, but it's terribly difficult to find time to put it down. Even now I should be starting a load of laundry so I don't have to wear the pants that I hate to work tonight. And it's only a matter of time before one of the kids interrupts my train of thought and makes me get up to get something for them, and Pop steals the computer.

2007 was a year full of agonizing pain, deep sorrow to my innermost core, and terrible despair. It was truly the worst year of my life, and many times, though I didn't really have thoughts of suicide, I did wish that I did not have to exist and endure these feelings. But sometimes we have to persevere regardless, and I imagine most good people grow and learn much during these trials of life, as I did. I also know that what Pop and I have been through is not the worst thing that we will experience, though it felt like it. I can only hope that the strength I now know is mine will get me through whatever comes my way.

To clarify, 2007 began with Pop's discovery that I had been unfaithful. I came clean and told him everything, I had been sleeping with a guy over the course of 2006, and in the first part of 2005, I had a brief affair with a different guy. I can imagine how difficult it must have been for him; it was agonizing for me not only to tell him, but also to know that I had done it. He didn't believe me when I told him that was not what I wanted and I didn't know why I did it and I all I really wanted was him and our happy little family. That was all true, though of course it doesn't excuse what I did. I was dishonest and sneaky for a long time, and when it all came out, even though it was very painful for both Pop and I, I felt so relieved that it was over. As Pop questioned at the time, why didn't I end it if that wasn't what I wanted? I really don't know the answer, and I probably never will. All I can do is try to learn something from it.

The next 9 months was like being stuck in a mucky mire, sludging through and feeling stagnant, in constant pain from hurting the one I love so much, feeling guilt, shame, and worthlessness, not knowing what the future held, struggling to find the strength within to face life's everyday occurrences, to be there for the kids, just to make it through work and through each day. Going through the motions. All the while I tried to keep hope, and I constantly thought of Pop, day in and day out, and I would force talking. There were many late nights of drinking and talking. I was terrified that I had destroyed the love we had developed for twelve years, and we could never regain it. He was and is my best friend, and I had shattered his trust in me. My worst fears were coming true; I was losing him, my family was falling apart, and I felt a future without Pop would forever be empty. I felt destined for a life full of sorrow and regret, and I felt that I deserved it.

The whole time, I constantly checked the history on the computer and read his sporadically kept journal, trying to grasp onto his thoughts and open up conversation somehow. In autumn he began to look at gay porn on the internet. This was not new to me, as we had both always considered ourselves bisexual, and I knew he liked guys before we were even friends, 13 years before. I let him know it was okay, as long as he would be honest and communicate with me about his thoughts. There were more drunken late night talks where we poured out our feelings to each other, many with both of us in tears, both of us realizing that he is actually gay.

For a few weeks, I was in the darkest place I had ever been in, trying to make sense of 13 years, trying to grasp onto him in any way I could and somehow make him be bisexual. I was in the deepest despair I ever knew. I would break down at any random moment, especially at work, and I couldn't really talk about it to anyone but him. I knew I had to let go, but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

He came out in November. He began to be a happier, more understanding person, he had come out and could now really, truly be himself, and even to discover himself, because he had been repressing it for 13 years. He was actually glowing.

It was very intense for a couple of months as our routine transformed around us. I struggled inside, knowing that I had to accept it, things were going to change, and all I could to was try to gracefully come through it. I grieved for and still miss our sex life. I always thought it was fantastic and thriving, even throughout the past three years. He says he can't give me an explanation. I have to leave it there; it was what it was. Now it's time to look forward.

In order to let him go, I had to not think about my self or my feelings. I can't describe the feeling I began to have, sort of a peek into something bigger than the self or the individual, and it involves selflessness, acceptance, honesty, and kindness, for everybody in the world.

Music and books played an integral role in our journey over the past year. Some songs were especially difficult to hear, yet opened my mind, some songs I grasped onto to keep me grounded. Lines from books and songs have made me weep or see a bigger picture. And sometimes entire bands have brought Pop and I together. Maybe I'll compile a list.

The entire purpose of writing all of this down was to record the feelings and the experience for posterity. You would think that I would want to forget about the entire year and not look back, but I never want to forget that pain and sorrow, because I never want to cause it again. I also felt I had to try to record that feeling I have now, that universal something. Though I can't describe it, I hope I can always remember it.

Here I am now on the doorstep of 2008. Though he hasn't actually said it, I feel as though Pop has forgiven me. I have been able to forgive myself, and it feels freeing to be honest, to not be sneaky, and to let go of guilt and shame. I am happy that Pop is happy, and we are beginning a new journey, a new chapter of our lives. The vision in my head is us holding hands with each other and our two boys, walking into a sunrise with open minds and love. In our late night talks, we both agreed that we have a strong bond that doesn't need to be broken. We truly love each other, and will remain lifelong friends. We will raise our children together, and teach them that they can always be comfortable with who they are. We will continue to discover ourselves, to learn, and to enrich our lives, and to be here for one another.